Well, it's Father's Day. It's one of my favorite days of the year. Susie and my daughter Jenny, they send me nice cards that say nice things and give me presents. And Susie cooks special food for me. I think fathers deserve a special day. And part of my evidence is, in my research this last week, I read that on average it takes about $300,000 to raise a boy to the age of 18. And if you have a daughter, it takes a lot more money than that because of their clothes. They're so expensive. So think about it. If you had not been born, your father could have bought a yacht or a Maserati. I think fathers deserve a special day. The Bible actually commands us to honor fathers. Right in the middle of the Ten Commandments, the fifth commandment is, "Honor your father and mother, so that you may live long and that your life may go well." A promise is attached to that. Because, as I said earlier there, psychologically, when there's resentment in an unhealed relationship, it affects that person's life the rest of their life. It's important for our well-being to honor our father and our mother. Now, that is either one of the easiest things in the world or the toughest. It depends on whether your father was a good father or not so good. And if not so good, that is a hard pill to swallow. You can ask Dennis Rodman, the NBA star, what he thinks about this commandment to honor your father. I read his autobiography that he titled Bad as I Wanna Be. In it, he writes about how his father ran off with another woman when Rodman was only a baby. And his father's been in and out of jail for various things. And he owns a bar now in the Philippines. He said that he converted to the Islam faith because it allows him to have four wives. So he has four wives, and he has 27 children by these wives, plus other women that he describes as "extracurricular activities." He famously says he still has more babies in him. His goal is 30. What a guy. Now, Dennis's fame as an NBA player has made his father very famous in the Philippines. So he filled his bar with photos of Rodman playing as a pro and memorabilia of the Chicago Bulls. He sends faxes to Dennis asking if he can come and visit, but Dennis never gives him an invitation. Rodman wrote in his book, "I haven't seen him in 30 years. What's there to miss? He brought me into the world, but that doesn't mean I have a father. It only means he was a sperm donor." My guess is that there are some of us here this morning who had a man who was a sperm donor, a father, but he was never a dad. There are no perfect fathers, but Rodman's father was off the scale as being imperfect. And that's why Father's Day is such a tough day on preachers like me, because I'm very aware, from years of counseling, of the kind of abuse some of us have suffered from our fathers. They were toxic fathers, and today brings back painful memories. Many of us were abandoned by our fathers. They just weren't around. Other things were more important. And even worse, some women had a father who sexually violated them. And I'm sure there are at least some women here who fit that description. One in four women have been abused by a family member. And so the idea of honoring a father is repulsive. It's just horrific. Father's Day is a tough day on preachers because of the differences in the audience. There are fathers who are undeserving of honor, aren't there? They're undeserving. People logically and rightfully ask me, "Why should I honor a father who was not honorable? Why does God tell me to honor a father who does not deserve it?" Those are legitimate questions. Let me try to answer why to honor even an undeserving father. The first reason is our children and grandchildren are watching and taking notes. Yes, they are. They're watching and taking notes, and they're listening to how we speak to our fathers, and about them when they're not around. They're learning. I think one of the deep stories in history is from Grimm's Fairy Tales. Let me tell you what the story says. "Once upon a time, there was an old man. His eyes blinked and his hands trembled. When he ate, he often missed his mouth with his spoon and dribbled a bit of food on the table and on himself. Now, he lived with his married son, and his son's wife was a modern young woman who knew that in-laws should not be tolerated in a woman's house. 'I can't have this,' she said. 'It interferes with my right to happiness.' So she and her husband took the little old man gently but firmly by the arm and led him to a corner in the kitchen. They sat him on a stool and gave him his food in a bowl. From then on, he always ate in the corner, blinking with misty eyes as he looked at the table where the family sat. "One day, his hands trembled more than usual, and the bowl he was holding fell to the floor and broke. The daughter-in-law said, 'If you are a pig, you must eat out of a trough.' So they made him a little wooden bowl in the shape of a trough." And from then on, he ate his food out of the trough, 'cause he was a pig. "Now, they had a four-year-old son whom they loved very, very much. And one day they noticed their son playing with some bits of wood, and they asked what he was doing. He smiled and said, 'I'm making a trough to feed you and Mama when I get big.' "The man looked at his wife. They went to the corner and took the little old man by the arm and led him back to the table. They set him in a comfortable chair and gave him his food on a plate. And from then on, nobody ever scolded him when he spilled or broke things." That's a very serious story. The point being that our children are taking notes on how we speak to our father, and about our father when he's not present, and how we treat our father. They're taking notes and learning. Why honor our father who is undeserving? Because our children are watching, and we're teaching them. And remember, you're not a perfect father or mother either. So the question, as we think about honoring imperfect fathers, the question is this: Should we only honor fathers who are very little imperfect? I mean, on the continuum, when does being an imperfect father or person get to the point that it passes any respect and good treatment? Do we really want to teach our children and grandchildren to treat a father only as good as he deserves? Be careful, because what your children grow up to think you deserve may be very different from you. I will say freely that I made many mistakes as a father. I had bad days. I had old issues I still needed to work through. And I am sure I angered my children more than I know. Do I want them to treat me only as good as I deserve? Oh, no. No, no, no, no. I hope they treat me better than I deserve. And if you think about it, you do, too. That's the first reason to honor even an undeserving father. There's a second reason. Resentment and anger toward an undeserving father will clog your heart, and it will torture you. Yes, it will. Now, I know what some of you are thinking. As I thought about this message, as I wrote it last week, I know that you're thinking, "My father does not deserve to be forgiven." But think about it. No one ever deserves to be forgiven, or they wouldn't need to be forgiven. Everyone we are to forgive, none of them deserve it. We give it as a gift. It's a gift that we give. Forgive your father not because he deserves it, but because you deserve peace. And you will never have peace. As long as you're holding resentments against him, or any of your children, or your spouse, you will never have peace, nor will you have a good relationship. What is anger and resentment? Think about it. It is punishing ourselves for somebody else's wrong. Punishing ourselves for what somebody else did, because it puts us in the torture chamber. We churn inside. Nietzsche, the German philosopher, said that Jesus's teaching about forgiveness was for suckers. Suckers, for those who were too weak to stand up for themselves. He said Jesus's teaching on forgiveness is a gyp. And when I first read Nietzsche as a philosophy student at Stanford, I agreed. And then, as I became a Christian, I began to realize he is very, very wrong. A grudge is the only thing that does not get better if you nurse it. It will eat you up. And many of us here today have a grudge against something, a record of wrongs against somebody in our life. And when you think about it, you churn. You're punishing yourself for somebody else's wrongs. You don't know Mary, but many of you know exactly what she suffered. Her father repeatedly sexually and emotionally abused her as a little girl. He would come into her bedroom late at night, after she was in bed, and do despicable, horrible things to his little girl. So when Mary was 17, she married the first guy who told her he loved her. But it only lasted three years. And then that was followed by a succession of other breakups that began so well because the guy said he loved her, and then it ended so poorly. When she was in her 30s, her mother called to say that her dad had died and invited her to the funeral. And as she sat in my office, she described how the anger and bitterness boiled up inside of her as soon as the memory tapes began to roll on this father who had died. All the original feelings came back, but even more intense. And it's really true: when we hold things in and we remember, the original emotions come, but even worse. She said, "No, Mom. I'm not coming." There was venom. I heard it in her voice as she said that: "No, Mom. I'm not coming." He was dead, but the things that he had done to her were very much alive in her memory. And it was polluting her life. She is emotionally tied to her dead father. Her father is in the grave, still impacting her. Finally, after she was quiet, I said, "Mary, your dad abused you, and he does not deserve to be forgiven. But forgive him, not because he deserves it, but because you deserve peace. You deserve to be out of the torture chamber. Do it for yourself. It's the very best thing you can do for you. Because if you don't, you will remain chained to your dead dad for the rest of your life. You'll never be healed, because you can't heal a memory you won't forgive." Isn't that true? It's patently, obviously true. You can't forget a memory you won't forgive. You'll just churn. Forgiving is the only healing choice. Do it for you, not for him. Forgiving means to treat them better than they deserve. It's a gift you give to them and to yourself. But as you give the gift to them, it turns out to be a bigger gift to you, because it sets you free from torture. Refusing to forgive means you believe you are right, even after God says you are wrong. Forgiving does not mean you never confront. These are some of the barriers we have. We have the wrong idea about forgiving. Let me tell you what it isn't. It doesn't mean you never confront. It doesn't mean that you continue to tolerate abusive and toxic behavior. It doesn't mean that you don't draw boundary lines. And it doesn't always mean you reconcile. It takes one to forgive, two to reconcile. If your father refuses to admit his behavior and to change, then your only good choice is to distance yourself from the one who continues to abuse you. You're not asked to tolerate that. To forgive simply means to let go of your right to make them pay. Why? Because there's no right reason for doing the wrong thing. No right reason for doing the wrong thing. Remember, Jesus asked a paralyzed man, "Do you want to be healed?" And He's asking us the same question today. Do you want to be healed of a father wound? It's not a silly question, because if we insist on holding on to a record of wrongs and resentment, our father wound will never be healed. Never. Never. Because we'll keep tearing the scab off of the wound and opening it up. And that's why Jesus asks the paralyzed man, "Do you want to be healed?" Because finally, the ball is in our court. It's not "He must change for me to be healed." You cannot change the past. It's us who must give up our record of wrongs to be healed. He may never change, but we can change by giving up our resentments and accusations. We can change. And that's why Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount, "Happy are the merciful." He was saying honoring a father who doesn't deserve it is really giving yourself the gift of happiness. "Happy are the merciful." The surprise when you forgive is you're the one who's blessed. You are set free from the torture of memories. That's why Jesus said, "Happy are the merciful." That means treat your father better than he ever deserved. That's what I hope my children do with me. Third, give your father the gift of understanding, and drop your expectations. Have you ever thought about the family your father grew up in? The father he had? Why? Because so often, abusive, toxic behavior is because of the father he had, and he's just mimicking it. I remember, after I became a Christian, thinking about the family my dad grew up in, and the father he had, who was not such a good father. We tend to echo our parents. That's why it's often been said that when we marry, we pay for the sins of our spouse's parents. Before you marry, get to know his parents or her parents, 'cause you're going to pay. The reason is we tend to mimic the family we grew up in, unless there's a deep dive into Jesus. Think about the advantages you've had. The teaching you've heard at Compass, the sermons, the Bible studies you've been exposed to, that your father may never have heard. And even if he's been a churchgoer all of his life, he may have gone to a legalistic church, a church that taught him a lot of history and doctrine but never made any deep application like you hear here. So going to church doesn't mean he's really heard how to change. You've had advantages he didn't have. Think about the wounds life has inflicted upon your father. The hits he's taken that maybe have twisted his personality. The fact is, the more you understand, the more understanding you become. That does not excuse toxic behavior. But the more you understand, the more understanding you are, and the easier it is to drop your weapons. Shakespeare got it right when he said, "Expectations are the root of most of our anger and heartache." It's true. I don't know what conflict you've had in your family, or in your marriage, or somebody else, somebody who's offended you, but I guarantee you expectations are at the root of it. Our expectations are premeditated disappointments and anger waiting to happen. They set us up for disappointment. Expectations absolutely produce resentment and anger. You trace it, you'll see that's true. I read about an author who was very angry and hurt that his father had never read anything that he had written. Not any of his books, not any of the articles that he had written. And of course, his expectation was that a good father would be interested in his son's work, and he would read one of his books and some of his articles, if he was a good father. So he confronted his father. He told him that a good father would care enough to read some of the things he had written. His dad listened, and then he said this. True story. "I'm only Ed. I am not a reader. I never read books. Just let me be Ed." The author realized that the real problem was the expectations he was putting on his father, that his father could not meet. If he'd let his father be Ed, instead of putting these expectations on him, his father wouldn't seem to be so defective. Expectations, they set us up for anger and disappointment. He had a choice: continue to insist upon this expectation because it was right, or let Ed be. Your expectations of your father may be very right, and the devil will help you by even giving you Bible verses for him. But I want to tell you, if you insist on being right, you get to be right, but you don't get to have a relationship. You get to be right, but you don't get to have a relationship. Sometimes, when a person is wrong, it's just best to be quiet and let them be wrong. Got an Ed in your life? Lord, I pray for us, that You would bring peace in families, and especially with fathers and children. Help us, Jesus. Help us to really not just be hearers, but do what we've heard. Help us to process. Amen.