MIKE: You know, I've got to say I'm really puzzled on why you want to help and even be in the message, because you don't like to be in front of people. So why? SUSIE: That's right. Yes. As I've been in Idaho every week, I watch Compass online. And during that time, you've been very free to tell stories on me. So I thought it was only fair. You're a big target, so I come and tell a few stories on you. Don't you think that's fair? [applause] MIKE: You know, you didn't tell me this last week as we were going through this. SUSIE: Well, I have some surprises. I just want to tell you all that Mike is always asking why I'm not more normal like him and why I'm weird. MIKE: And are you going to tell us today? SUSIE: The truth is, we are total opposites. We're total opposites. And I'm not the weird one. You are. MIKE: No, I'm not the weird one. SUSIE: Yes, you are. Well, I have some surprises for you today, and I have more things to tell. But we're going to let you decide who's weird. A couple years ago, Mike went to Oxford in England to study. And when he was at the airport, he called me and he said, "You know, I've put some tomato plants out on the back porch, and I'm just asking if you would water them and fertilize them with Viagra." [laughter] And I said, "We don't have Viagra." MIKE: Yeah, I remember that. [laughter] SUSIE: And by the way, you don't fertilize tomatoes with Viagra. I think you mean Vigoro. MIKE: Close enough. SUSIE: The truth of the matter is, life is always verbal charades with Mike, because he comes out with these words, and I have to stand there and try to figure out what he really means. MIKE: I know what I'm saying. I know what I'm saying. SUSIE: Well, you remember a few years ago when Jenny told you she would call us on Skype, but you told me she's calling on Sky Cap. And just a couple weeks ago, he came home and he says, "You know, I just really need to rest for a few minutes. I've had a really long, hard day, and I just need to go into my man cave and decompose." And of course he meant decompress, you know. MIKE: So what, are you keeping a list of all of these things, or what are you doing? SUSIE: Yeah. And I actually have a little book that has these from years. And this continues. This continues. So I'm building this book. MIKE: You seem a little wound up this morning. SUSIE: Well, I'm having fun. MIKE: So you have more surprises for me. I just want to know if we can go on with the sermon. SUSIE: Okay. MIKE: Well, in this series, I've been asking us what it means for Jesus to be Lord of our life, and not just Savior. And you know, that's really my heart, because when you're not just saved, but you begin to obey Jesus, and He's Lord, and you have the attitude that if Jesus says it, that's it, end of story, that's when abundant life happens. And so that's the burden of my heart, that we would be people like that. And yet Paul admits in Romans 7 that a civil war is going on inside of him. He admits that when he wants to do what is good, he does what is bad. And there's something in him, as soon as the voice of Christ appears in Scripture or just to him directly, there's something in him that just resists. There's a fight going on in him between his best self and his worst self, between Jesus and Satan, between the Holy Spirit speaking to him and his independent, selfish self speaking. So don't you have this war? When you know what's right, you resist it and push back. And H. G. Wells described himself as a walking war, where his best self is always arguing with his worst self. And we all do that, don't we? We have our best self and worst self. And we hear it when we're talking to ourselves. So who are we talking to? We're talking to our best self that's trying to win over the worst self. And it's the worst self who is arguing with Jesus as Lord. You know, on Sunday you may hear a voice on not badmouthing a person behind their back, or how to treat your husband better. [laughter] Bless your husband. But then, you know, Monday morning comes, and forget it. [laughter] And you talk about somebody behind their back, and you justify it as, "I'm just telling the truth," because it is the truth about them. And you know, the truth is that our worst self is a pro at turning sin into a virtue. And we do that. My guess is that many of us are in marriages, relationships with grown children, somebody at work, a friend, and we're stuck in a bad place with them. You know, where there's distance between us. We talk nice, but there's negative distance between us. And the reason we're stuck is we're trying to control the other person by criticism. It doesn't work. The only person you can change is you. I've said for years, draw a circle around yourself and work on your problems, because you can only change yourself. So draw a circle around yourself and start there. And one of the truths of life is we will not change what we will not admit is wrong. We're not going to change it. Great relationships are not built on denial and excuses. Really great relationships are built upon this kind of self-suspicion, that I have things that need to change. SUSIE: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. MIKE: Who are you talking about? SUSIE: I saw in Mike virtues and qualities that I didn't have, and I needed them. That's the truth. But it was only after we got married that I found out that we are really extreme opposites, and found out how weird he is. [laughter] MIKE: That cracks me up. I'm weird? We go out to dinner with people. You say, "I'm going to the ladies' room. Who wants to go with me?" And all the women stand up and go with you. And that's not weird? SUSIE: That's not weird. MIKE: That's weird. SUSIE: That is not weird. It's just different from what men do. Difference is not necessarily weird or wrong. MIKE: I think it is. SUSIE: I love the marriage book that Joyce Meyer wrote about her own marriage, and she describes how she criticized her husband often, just in order to change him in a few ways. One day God said to her, "Joyce, think about what it's like to live with you. You're a nag. You're hard to please. You're hard to get along with. And you are a constant critic of your husband. And criticism is no one's love language. So just stand in his shoes and imagine what it's like to live with you." MIKE: I don't like that question. You mean you're supposed to think about what it's like to work with you and to live with you? Who wants to do that? SUSIE: That's what I thought. Nobody here. But that is the right question, isn't it? Well, that was so revealing to Joyce. She said she cried for three days after that, just realizing how she was coming across with all her criticism. It's a question: What is it like to live with you or work with you? That would fix a lot of marriages and relationships, even relationships with children. MIKE: A few months ago, and I can't make this up, a guy took me aside and said that he'd been married 11 years, and his wife is still not through criticizing him. That may be true of a lot of relationships. Most of us think criticism can change a person. Really? You're smoking too much marijuana. [laughter] You're living in La La Land. You cannot change people with criticism. Really, who have you succeeded with? Nobody. What it really does, especially with introverts and children, is make them feel defective. You don't approve of them; they're defective. And that's a terrible wound. And that's what happens when we criticize people. Surely some of us have closed our heart to a parent or spouse or a former friend who betrayed you. Does anyone come to mind who's criticized you so much, who has really communicated that you're defective so much, that you've just closed your heart off from them? I bet you some people come to mind. SUSIE: Here is a great sentence we came across in our research that may rattle some of us: If your family was asked to list their three greatest critics, would your name be on that list? MIKE: Where do these questions come from? I don't like any of these questions. SUSIE: Three biggest critics. Would your name be on the list? MIKE: Yeah. SUSIE: Well, people criticize to make other people more normal, like we are. We always think that we're normal, and we try to make others like us. And so maybe you have a child who's an introvert, and you're an extrovert, and maybe you were even a cheerleader in high school. And so you try to give a little push here and there, and maybe nag a little bit, or criticize. And what's happening, while you're trying to rewire them to be something different, is you're really making the child feel like they're defective. And that's a big wound. We're actually trying to change a zebra into a horse. But a zebra's stripes aren't wrong. They're just different. God created them with stripes actually to confuse lions. MIKE: I didn't know that. SUSIE: Those zigzag stripes actually confuse lions chasing them for dinner. And the lions give up because they get confused. MIKE: When Susie and I were first married, I thought Susie needed help to be more normal like me. We had several issues in which she was not normal. And one of them was she made decisions very slowly, and I make them very quickly. And early in our marriage, I'd bring up some issue, and she wouldn't talk. She'd just look at me, and I'd look into her eyes and say something, and she'd say, "Go away. Leave me alone. Go talk to Molly. Come back tomorrow." Molly's our black lab. But I began to understand she just makes decisions differently than I do. That doesn't make them wrong. It's just different. We came across a book that changed us both dramatically. The book is called Please Understand Me. And here are a few wake-up lines to all of us who wonder why someone is not normal like us. SUSIE: "If I do not want what you want, please try not to tell me that my want is wrong. Or if I believe other than you, at least pause before you criticize what I think. Or if my emotion is less than yours, please try not to make me feel more strongly like you. I do not for the moment ask you to understand me. That will come only when you're willing to give up trying to make me into a copy of you." MIKE: But if you'd be more Italian like me and get excited, it'd be a lot more fun. SUSIE: So I'm going to help you. It goes on to say, "If you'll allow me my own wants and emotions and beliefs, then someday these ways of mine might not seem so wrong, and might finally appear to you as right, at least for me." That's why at Christmas I order my own Christmas presents from you all, because you always think I'm wrong. I just get my own. "To put up with me is the first step to understanding me. Not that you embrace my ways as right for you, but that you are no longer irritated or critical of me for being me." MIKE: What a line. "For being me." SUSIE: "And in understanding me, you might come to prize my differences from you." MIKE: That's a stretch. SUSIE: "And far from seeking to change me, might even nurture these differences and honor them as right for me." MIKE: Whoa. It's one of the most decisive paragraphs we have ever read. And I knew I had to do a lot of apologizing, because I grew up in a family that criticized each other a lot, and I thought it was just natural. And I did not realize just how wrong it was. I had a lot of apologizing to do. We both did. SUSIE: Darn right you did. MIKE: Okay. Here it is. [laughter] It's a fight. But in a world that is increasingly vulgar and negative and judgmental, we have to decide to let Jesus be Lord and tame our tongue. No matter what it's like on sitcoms, no matter what the news is like, no matter what celebrities and stars are saying, how they talk, Jesus is our Lord. They are not our example. And that decision is not being made enough by people who say they're Christians. We've got to follow our Lord, because I hope you agree that the tongue in America is out of control. It's just untamed. Hardly anyone has taming their tongue as a goal in their personal life as a Christian. But controlling your tongue is really at the top of the list to become like Christ. The quickest way to dig the grave of a relationship is with our tongue. Critical, harmful words become like a stain on clothing. It's hard to remove. And surely you have some memories of words that have been said to you by a coach or a teacher or maybe even a friend. Words that you've never forgotten, they were so wounding. Jesus as our Lord actually has a lot to say about our mouth. In Matthew 12:36, Jesus says, "I tell you that every damaging word that you speak, you shall be held responsible for on the day of judgment." And Job asks, "How long will you crush me with your words?" Jesus knows that words do things to people. He holds us accountable for the words that we say to others. You may be damaged by someone's words. Maybe they gossiped about you, or criticized you, or talked behind your back, or in some way were verbally violent towards you. Surely someone comes to mind who spoke words that wounded you. It happens every week, doesn't it? We live in that kind of culture. Shakespeare has Hamlet say, after he discovers his mother has married his father's killer, "I will speak daggers to her, but use none." And so often I think it's best to let a person be wrong rather than arguing with them or using words as daggers, because you just can't win those arguments. I experienced this truth at Nob Hill a few years ago. Some of you have heard this story, but a lot of you are new and you haven't. This kind of thing you can't make up. I went to Nob Hill because Susie said she needed some milk and a couple other things for dinner. Lincoln freed the slaves, all but one. [laughter] So dutifully I went off to get that. And I only had about four things in my basket, and I went to the fast lane. You know, the one that has the 4-foot by 6-foot sign above it that says, "10 items or less. No checks, only credit card or cash." Do you know that one? That sign that says that? Well, I'm in that line, and I notice the woman in front of me has a cart that's absolutely overflowing. She is illegal. And I have some words to say to this illegal person to help her, but she's bigger than me and she looks mean. So I didn't say anything. And neither did the cashier, the coward. He didn't say anything to her. He just started ringing up this stuff. Now, with all this stuff in this basket, it took a long time. And the line behind me is getting longer and longer. You've got to imagine this. If you know Nob Hill, it's across the aisle and down the frozen food section. And here we are. And he finally finishes ringing up her stuff, and he asks for her payment. And so she has this purse that is bigger than the luggage I'm taking to the Holy Land in a month. I mean, it's this tall, this wide, you know, one of those purses. And there's everything in it, but she cannot find it. She starts rummaging through it. And I'm there with a lot of other people, tapping my feet and singing under my breath, "Amazing grace that saved a wretch like her." [laughter] And I'm tapping my feet, and finally she pulls out what? Her checkbook. Lady, read the sign. The guy doesn't say anything. He just says, and I can't make this up, "Is this your right address?" What do you think the odds are? No, not the right address. Now she has to find her license in her huge purse, and she's rummaging through it. Finally, she gives it to him. He writes down the right address. And just then there's a guy behind me, and if I'm lying, I'm dying: "Hey, who's holding up the line up there? Can't you read the sign? No checks allowed." She spun on her heels like a wet cat, or a lion, and she was just angry. And she looked right at me, and my whole life passed before me, because she was a lot bigger than me. I'm going, "I'm dead." And she stops and she says, "Hey, aren't you that Presbyterian pastor I see on TV on Sundays?" "No, ma'am. I'm Episcopalian." [laughter] No, I didn't say that. I said, "Yes, but I didn't yell that. It's some guy back there that yelled that. I don't care. Take as much time as you want. I'm just meditating with God and enjoying this. And by the way, I love your purse. I need to get one for my wife." I sinned five times in 3 seconds. It was only to save my life. I'm only here today because I didn't tell her what I really thought about reading the sign. [laughter] I saved my life by keeping my mouth shut. And a lot of marriages could be saved that way as well. For me, one of my principles is: never waste time trying to explain things to people who are committed to misunderstanding you and accusing you. Don't waste your time. Surely someone comes to mind for that. Well, third, great marriages are always between two forgivers. SUSIE: Here's another story. [laughter] Mike likes adventure. So a few summers ago, we rented a 42-foot sailboat in the San Juan Islands for a week. Now, I would rather have a hotel room overlooking the water. MIKE: That's no fun. SUSIE: But Mike likes adventure, so we were sailing. MIKE: Yeah. And I bought two books on it, so I'm good. SUSIE: Yeah. He didn't know much at all about sailing, so I was a little nervous. MIKE: No problem. It's not that complicated. SUSIE: Well, one night we were anchored in Friday Harbor, which was just filled with other boats. And in the morning, Mike raised the anchor and gave me the wheel and pointed to the opening to the sea from the harbor. And then he went downstairs to make breakfast. Well, I was at the wheel. It was the most beautiful morning. It was just gorgeous. The air was beautiful. The sun was out. We were seeing eagles fly over, little seals or something in the water. I'm looking at the other boats. MIKE: Yeah. SUSIE: And all of a sudden, by the grace of God, Mike flies out from the galley, jumps up, and takes the wheel and turns it hard to starboard, because I was pointed straight into another really big sailboat. And there was a man on the deck who was waving his arms and yelling things that I can't repeat to you. MIKE: You were about to sink two sailboats. That's not good. SUSIE: I was so in shock and felt so embarrassed that I just started crying and went downstairs, thinking that I almost sunk two boats. But you know, the most wonderful thing is Mike said to me, "Everything is okay. No worries. Let's go have fun." And I will never forget that moment. Forgiveness was huge compared to what he could have said to me. MIKE: We missed that boat by 20 feet. That's not very much. SUSIE: Yeah. MIKE: And the guy went downstairs, and I'm sure he went to get a gun. So we— [laughter] The hardest thing we've found in counseling in this church over the years is to get people to forgive each other. It's amazing. Other pastors report this too. Two people are married, they explain their anger towards each other very well, the problem, and they look us in the eye and say, "No, I will not forgive. What that person did is so bad, they have to pay." That's the biggest problem we have. They will not let go of the past and turn to the next chapter in their life. Keeping a record of wrongs, though, does not bring you closer together. Forgiving is such a battle, because there's a part of us that hates grace. We just want them to pay. "You can't do that to me. I'm going to make you pay in some way." That's a big part of us, and it fights Jesus where He says to forgive one another as I have forgiven you. And the thing I would really like to convince us of is, really, if Jesus commands it, end of story. End of story. There's only one opinion that matters: His. And what I want to urge us to do is more often trust that Jesus is good, and He won't command us to do anything that's not good for us. And when we refuse to do what Jesus says, we really deprive ourselves of abundant life. That's where we get into messes and troubles, really. C. S. Lewis said he was a sinful man married to a sinful woman. Forgiving is the only healing choice between two human beings, two sinful people. We all are. It turns a page and goes on to a new chapter. Nothing else does that. Just like most of you, I've had words said to me that hurt me or made me feel, you know, that I've been wronged. SUSIE: Not from me, though. [laughter] MIKE: But I keep thinking about what Jesus said to the paralyzed man lying at the pool of Bethesda, paralyzed for 38 years. The belief was that sometimes an angel stirred the water there, and the first one in was healed. But he was paralyzed. No one helped him get in, because they wanted to be the first one in. And that made him very, very angry. And Jesus came along and asked him, "Do you want to be healed?" And in the passage, that man didn't say yes, "Yes, I want to be healed." He immediately starts venting his anger towards people who haven't helped him into the water. And he complains, and he's totally unforgiving, carrying a big grudge against everyone around him who didn't do what he thought they should do. And Jesus said, "Do you want to be healed?" If we don't forgive, then the wound stays open and continues to bleed. Surely there's somebody here who has a wound that is still open and bleeding. And Jesus tells us that forgiving is the only healing choice, the only one that will bring peace to you. When your mind replays that hurt over and over, instead of going on with that scenario, tell Jesus, "I want to be healed." And say that over and over, you know, when the story comes up again. Drown out your hurt with that message, because what you cannot do by yourself, Jesus can do. [applause] "Do you want to be healed?" is such a haunting question, because the implication of Jesus's question is that if we are not healed, it's our own fault. If we're not healed of past hurts, it's because we've been unwilling to make the healing choice. There are healing choices, and that really should haunt us today. If there are things that are not healed in your life, it's because we have not done what we need to do, says Jesus, to be healed. Do you want to be healed? Forgive. Last year, I was hurrying to get to a staff meeting. Susie caught me as I was going out the door, and she had this big black garbage sack, and she handed it to me, and her lips started moving. So I knew she was talking. [laughter] I just kept looking in her eyes, you know, like men do, but my mind was at church on God's work. I don't know why she's giving me the garbage, but I took the garbage bag and put it where it needs to be, in the garbage can, and went to work for God. And on the way home, I'm not making this up, the voice of God came to me and said, "You fool, you just threw Susie's best clothes into the garbage. You'd better go get them out and go find out and listen to what she really wants you to do with them." So I go get this bag out of the garbage can and walk in holding it, and I want to know, "Honey, why are you putting your best clothes in a garbage can? Why are you doing that?" This is true. SUSIE: So why? Because I asked you to take it to the cleaners for me. And you know, the truth is, men can look you right in the eyes and not hear a word that you're saying. So this is why women need to repeat themselves often. [applause] MIKE: Look at this. It's the truth. We've got a movement going here. Yeah, it's kind of a gift that we men have. [laughter] We can even nod our head as if we heard what you said. Well, the best marriages are between great listeners. I didn't know that when I got married. And you know, a lot of people think the best marriages are because you communicate the best, you know, you talk the best. No, it's the best listeners. Listening is the hard work of loving a person. The more you understand, the more understanding you are. That only comes by listening. The more you listen, the more you know about how to make them feel treasured. And you know, Susie and I, just to listen, one thing we've done often is we get to dinner and we say, "Well, what's the best thing that happened to you today?" Now, really, "What's the worst thing that happened to you, the hardest thing that happened to you?" And just to listen to that is an incredibly powerful bonding thing between two people. If you want a better relationship with a grown child, or even somebody at work who's, you know, kind of cranky, then ask them questions. Listen more to their personal life. I want to show you the kinds of ears you need to develop if you want a great marriage. There it is. [laughter] I love that picture. It's ears like that that listen, that understand more, that really solve so many problems. The more you understand. You might try yours like that. Let me pray for us. Lord, thank You for the Word, and thank You that You are so good. And thank You, Lord, that You want us to be transformed and to break chains that cause us so much trouble. I think my biggest prayer is that we would say, "Yes, we want to be healed," and be willing to forgive and to do the things that allow You to heal us. Help us, Jesus, do that in our midst. We pray in Your name. Amen. Well, Susie, I love you, but you're weird. SUSIE: I love you, but you're the weird one. [applause]