Do you have a relationship in which, if love was oil, you'd be about a quart low? I'll bet you you do. Maybe you have a friend who has disappointed you. You're going through a hard time. You'd like to share what you're going through with your friend, but your friend really is not very interested. Not very interested in how you feel in your heart. You're about a quart low in love with that friend. Or you feel a quart low with one of your grown kids. You wish they would call or visit, but they're busy and they don't. And you try to understand, but you know, you still feel unimportant because they don't call very much and they don't visit. Is anybody a quart low with one of your grown children? Do you have a relationship at work or in your extended family in which you're a quart low? Undoubtedly, there are marriages here in which one or both of you feel that way. You know, marriage counselors say there are three kinds of marriages. There's the marriage that just gets better and better over the years. There's the marriage that is hanging by a thread and on the verge of divorce. And then the third kind of marriage is the marriage that has plateaued, and counselors call it a semi-happy marriage. A semi-happy marriage. Those are marriages that are not bad enough to divorce, but they're not good enough either to really make you happy. In semi-happy marriages, often there's a lot of sarcasm. You know, sarcasm pretends to be humor, but actually it's criticism under the guise of humor. And it wounds. Yes, it wounds. And many semi-happy marriages fall into the habit of sarcasm. In semi-happy marriages, usually there are things that are unforgiven, and that creates distance emotionally between you. It's really hard to hug and love someone who's pointing the finger at you and holding things against you. Staying mad is not a form of love. Semi-happy marriages: not as happy as you wish, but not serious enough to leave. Not so much lovers as roommates. A quart or two low in love. Phil Collins had a mega hit with the song— Yeah. Whoever that is, you owe everybody pizza. Do we have the phone number that we can put on there? Your phone rings, you have to buy pizza. We prefer pepperoni. Phil Collins had this mega hit that you heard earlier. Do you remember? And in the song, he sang, "We never talked about it, but I hear the blame was mine, and I'd call you to say I'm sorry, but I wouldn't want to waste your time." The message of that song is: It's too late. Your mind is made up. I've been unable to move that. Our marriage, our relationship, is dead. It's too late. But that's wrong. If you believe in Jesus Christ, nothing is impossible for Him. He is the God of miracles, and He can do miracles in any relationship you have. If you don't believe that, then you don't believe in the real Jesus Christ. Is there hope? Yes. But it all depends on how you answer the question that Jesus asked the paralyzed man at the pool of Bethesda. Jesus asked, "Do you want to be healed?" Now, really, you've got to ask, is He being silly? Of course he wants to be healed. He's paralyzed. What do you expect him to say? "No, I don't want to be healed"? But it's a serious question. Jesus is really asking him, "How badly do you want to be healed?" Notice the man does not say, "Yes, yes, oh yes, I want to be healed." What does he do? He begins to criticize and blame and make excuses. He blames the other people for being selfish and not putting him in the pool when the water is stirred. And I want to tell you, a person who's making excuses and blaming never fixes anything. They never get healed. It blocks the healing that God wants to do in our life. A lot of people want a relationship to be healed. They want their marriage to be better, but they're stuck in blaming and criticizing. They're blocking the miracle God wants to do. A discerning reader will ask, "Why is this scene even in the Bible?" I mean, it really doesn't tell us any more about Jesus than we already know. We know He's a miracle worker. So it doesn't really add anything to the picture of Jesus. So why is this in the Bible? It's because if we have the attitudes of this paralyzed man, if we're a blamer making excuses, if we're criticizing other people for the way things are, we will never be healed, even if we say we want to. How badly do you want a relationship to be healed? Because when a relationship is not being healed, often it's because we are standing in the way. Sometimes it's them, but often it's us. That's why it's in the Bible. Jesus cannot do miracles for a man who has attitudes like he does. Criticizing won't get you the love you want. It's hard to hug a critic. Blaming won't get you the love you want. It just starts an argument. Making excuses won't get you the love you want. It just starts an argument, too. It blocks miracles. So how badly do you want a relationship to be healed? That's the question Jesus asked this paralyzed man, and He's asking us today. How badly do we want it? First: do we want healing badly enough to go first on forgiving? Maybe you remember when the self-righteous Pharisees caught a woman in the act of adultery, and they threw her half-naked before the feet of Jesus, and they quoted the law of Moses, which said that a woman like this should be stoned to death. And then they say, "What do you say, Jesus?" It was a trap. "Are you going to honor the Scriptures of Moses, or are you going to forgive this woman?" And Jesus bends down. He writes in the dirt, and He says, "If any of you are without sin, let him be the first to stone her." Be the first. And one by one, they drop their stones and leave. Jesus had called them out. They too knew that they had sin. Their sin was just different from her sin. And this is a key insight in this passage. People judge other people because their sin is different, not because you're innocent in judging them. We all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. Be careful when you're judging another person. It's just that their sin is different from yours. Pascal, the great French philosopher, said, "There are only two kinds of people: sinners who admit it, and sinners who will not admit it." Unforgiving people are sinners who won't forgive someone simply because their sins are different. That's a key insight. When we refuse to forgive, it's just because their sins are different from ours. C. S. Lewis is my favorite author, and at the end of his life he fell deeply in love with a woman. She was the woman of his dreams, and they married. She had cancer. It wasn't long before she died, but during their marriage, which was so happy, he said, "I am a sinful man married to a sinful woman." That's us, isn't it, Susie? She's watching from Idaho. I'm a sinful man married to a sinful woman. Every marriage, every family, every friendship is that. Gary Smalley is one of America's most insightful counselors, and he wrote a book that is one of the best that I've ever read on relationships. I recommend it. Its title is Making Love Last Forever. In it, he wrote that the single biggest thief of love is refusing to forgive and instead throwing rocks. Throwing rocks. I wonder, have any of us been throwing rocks lately? Been throwing rocks at anybody? That'll never get you the love you want. Marriages that are headed for divorce, and semi-happy marriages, have a habit of judging the other's sin just because it's different from yours, and throwing rocks at them. Great marriages and great friendships are always between two great forgivers. Great forgivers. It's a skill, a decision, a choice essential for great marriages. In my research this last week, I came across a tremendous article about a man who keeps a rock on his desk with one word etched in it: "First." He said that he had the rock made to remind him of what Jesus said: "If any of you are without sin, let him be the first to throw the stone." First. He said the rock reminds him to look at his life if he's refusing to forgive someone. He said that he looks at this word "first" and remembers the line in the Lord's Prayer that says, "Forgive me of my sins as I have forgiven others of their sins." Right? In the Lord's Prayer, Jesus is teaching us to go first. Look at that line. It assumes, it says, "I've gone first in forgiving. And now that I've gone first and forgiven, forgive me as I have forgiven this other person." First. Go first. The man with the rock on his desk said that when people come into his office and they're gossiping and badmouthing other people, he hands them the rock. And they always ask what it means. And he explains what Jesus taught and how that has healed so many of his own relationships. He says, "Forgiveness is the only way to heal a relationship between two sinful people." Forgiveness is the glue in a marriage or family. It's a relationship skill, because we're all sinful. Now, to forgive does not mean you become best friends, because forgiving only takes one person, but reconciliation takes two. It may be that the other person is toxic and won't admit it, and they continue to behave in ways that are damaging to you. Forgiving doesn't mean that I tolerate that or that I allow myself to repeatedly be victimized. I may have to put some physical distance between me and another person who is unwilling to do any admitting on their own. But forgiving only takes one person, and it sets you free from the other. Linda Dillow wrote a book full of dangerous questions, and the title of the book is What's It Like to Be Married to Me? That's a dangerous question. Have you ever thought about that? What it's like to be married to you? A blessing, isn't it? Just a blessing. Just an unparalleled blessing, day after day. Is that what you're thinking? One chapter in this book is called "Why Do I Want to Stay Mad at You?" Whoo. That's a dangerous question. She asked that question of wives at a conference that she was leading. And here are some of the answers that wives gave of why they want to stay mad: "Staying mad is easier than forgiving." "Staying mad gives me a sense of power." "Staying mad is a way I can hurt him back and make him beg." Another wife said, "It feels good to hold a grudge." A dangerous question. Are you still mad at someone? Really, are you still mad at someone? Whose name could I mention, if I knew you well enough, and you'd tense up just a bit if I referenced something that they did? Are you still mad at them? Why do you want to stay mad? What are you gaining by staying mad? Rachel Jones is the all-time champion of staying mad. She and her boyfriend had an argument when they were both 32 years old. For the next 42 years, she stayed mad at him and refused to speak to him. 42 years. Every week, he'd slip a note underneath her door apologizing and asking to be forgiven. And she would burn it up. She wouldn't answer the door. One day, after 42 years of trying, David summoned the courage to knock on the door. And when she opened it, he blurted out a marriage proposal, and she said, "Yes." Who can figure out a woman? But anyway, I'm just kidding. She said yes. And on their wedding day, they were 74 years old. 42 years she stayed mad. The question is, what did Rachel gain by refusing to forgive and staying mad? I mean, really, what benefit did she get out of staying mad? Was it worth it? She gained loneliness, bitterness, sleepless nights, a sense of power over him. She didn't get a relationship. She didn't get the love she wanted. There was distance between them. Was it worth it? Someone out there says yes. Okay. [laughter] I've got more in this sermon for you. Just hold on. Surely some of us have a relationship in which that's the question. Is it worth it to stay mad? What am I gaining? What benefit am I getting by staying mad? I don't know anything more important in marriage or relationships than this. Great marriages are always between two great forgivers. They're the happiest people. So is there someone you're still mad at? And today at communion, you need to confess that you've refused to forgive them, and today forgive them. Secondly, you get love by sowing love. Don't complain, criticize, or get mad. Usually, but not always, you get more love by giving love than by trying to change the other person by criticizing them. It doesn't work. This is a shocking statistic. Surveys show that 56% of wives say they would not marry the same man again. And some of you are wondering about the woman next to you right now. And they say that they keep it a secret from him, but the truth is they wouldn't marry him again. Interestingly enough, in that same survey, they changed the question to say, "What if the person you married helped you around the house? Would you marry him again?" And the percentage went to 86%. Why the difference? Because she felt treasured, significant, and loved. Love as a verb. He was doing things that made her feel important. Are you a quart low in love? I don't know who that's with, but step up your game in giving love and doing things that make the other person feel significant. Go first. Don't wait for 50/50. Go first. You get more love by giving more love. You make friends by being a friend first. You get more love by doing whatever makes the other feel loved. Like with the paralyzed man, notice that Jesus had him do some things. He didn't just be passive. You have to get up and pick up your mat. And as he did that, he was healed. We have to invest. We have to give love in the way the other person feels love. Sowing love gets love. Love is spelled D-O. It's a spiritual law that you reap what you sow. Too many marriages and friendships want to reap what they have not sown. They refuse to sow love because they're angry. Dr. John Gottman has studied more than 3,000 married couples, and he can predict with 100% accuracy what marriages will be unhappy or just semi-happy. The clue, he says, is this: If one or both dishonor the other by refusing, or making fun of, what makes the other feel loved, the marriage will plateau, or worse, even break up. Never make fun of the needs of another person, of the way they need to feel loved, because it's different from the way you need to feel loved. Susie and I are the weird couple, and which one of us is weird depends on which one of us you ask. But I can prove to you that Susie's weird. Don't be mad at me, honey. Remember, don't be mad at me. Here's the proof. If we go out to dinner and I order dessert, she will never order dessert. You know why? She expects me to give her a bite of mine. Look at these women. "Give me a bite of your dessert." It's not going to happen. I mean, you know, when guys go out together, we don't ask for a bite of his dessert, and we don't ask to lick his ice cream. Our attitude is, get your own. My second proof that she's weird is that if we're out to dinner with friends, Susie— [laughter] —will say, "Anybody want to go to the ladies' room with me?" And four will pop up, and they'll all go to the ladies' room. I'm at a sports bar. Can you imagine me saying to the guys, "Anybody want to go to the men's room with me?" [laughter] Women are weird. One day I caught Susie reading a book entitled Your Husband's Midlife Crisis. I was only 27 years old. I looked at this book, and I said, "Honey, I'm 27 years old. I'm not in a midlife crisis." What she was doing was preparing, because men are a mystery to her. We're different. And so all through our marriage, she's read all kinds of books on men and marriage and everything, to try to figure me out, because I'm strange to her. And what that has done is she has learned how to make love deposits in the love bank of a man, which is different from a woman's. And that's one of the reasons our marriage is so close, because she has gone first in doing that. And you know, when another person is working very hard to love you the way you need to be loved, it's very difficult not to want to love them back in the way they want to be loved, because love produces more love. I think one of the biggest mistakes we make in any relationship is not doing what makes the other person feel treasured and loved. If I were to ask you, in your relationships and in your family, with your kids, what are the top three things that make them feel important and loved, could you answer that? You need to be able to answer that, because the question "Do you want to be healed?" depends upon us answering that and doing it. The big mistake is not realizing that love is a verb. It's what you do. I read an extraordinary book by Richard Selzer, who's a Yale University surgeon, and the title is Taking the World in for Repairs. It's his stories about surgery with different people that he's worked on. And at one part he describes visiting a woman he has operated on for a tumor in her face. This is what he says: "I stand by her bed after surgery. Her face is twisted in clownish palsy. A tiny twig of a facial nerve, the one that controls the muscles of her mouth, had to be cut to remove the tumor from her cheek. Her young husband is in the room. His wife asks, 'Will my mouth always be twisted like this?' 'Yes, it will. It's because I had to cut the nerve that controls the muscles of your face.' She nods and is silent. I know what she's thinking. She's wondering, 'Will my husband still love me with this deformed face that I now have?' "The young man smiles, and he says, 'You're beautiful.' And he bends to kiss her crooked mouth. And I am close enough to see how he twists his lips to fit hers, to show her that their kiss still works." I can't read that without choking up. Do you want a relationship to be healed enough to twist your mouth to make the kiss still work? Maybe at the Lord's Supper, we need to confess some things, like we're still mad at somebody in our family, or we've been complaining and accusing and not planting seeds of love, and we really haven't focused much on what makes them feel treasured. Maybe there are things we need to change, and we need to ask for power to change at the Lord's Supper today. Lord, I ask You to minister to us deeply and help us to come clean with You, Lord. Amen.