Well, today I'm beginning this series on marriage. And right away I want to say that whenever I do a marriage series, we get feedback: "Well, that leaves me out. I'm not married. And it kind of irritates me that you're doing a series on marriage." Well, the reason I'm doing this is that so many marriages are breaking up. And not just that, but people who are living together are breaking up at a more rapid rate than even marriages. That might surprise you. And it seems to me, in the crisis we have in family life in America, pastors really do need to give some help to people to make it work. And so I would hope you'd be praying for people even as I give this series. But the other thing I want to say is that marriage, at the core, is a relationship. So this series is really about building better relationships. Whether it's with a parent, a grown child, your boss at work, all of these principles apply to every relationship you have. And I think you're going to see that today. So this really applies to all of us. If you're breathing, this series has a lot in it for you. Well, if people would do what I'm talking about this morning, they would have a 95% success rate in either healing a relationship or making any other relationship better. The starting point for improving any relationship is to realize that everyone you know has a love bank, and everything you do either makes a deposit in their love bank or you get a deduct. Everything. You don't know anybody who doesn't have a love bank, and with whom you're making deposits or getting deducts. You don't know anybody. Everything you do affects people emotionally. Nothing is neutral. It's either a deduct or a deposit. Every relationship you have has this love bank, and you have an account in it. Even your boss or supervisor. I wonder what the love tank gauge would say. Empty or full? Your boss. A lot of you have a supervisor. It'd be on the empty side, wouldn't it? Some of you have a really good supervisor, and it's almost all the way filled up. But you have a love tank for whoever is supervising you, and that gauge is moving one way or another. And then take your parents. Here's the parents, your love tank for them. It's the same thing. It's either on fumes because of things they're doing, that have been so many deducts over the years, or you just feel blessed and it's filled up to the brim because of how they behave around you. Which is it for you? And then how about your spouse? This gauge. I didn't put any lever on it. I want you, if you're married or you're living together with somebody: where would you put that? Would it be pretty much on the empty side, or would it be way over there on the filled-up side, because of the way they've been treating you? In my research last week, I read an article entitled "How to Make a Woman Happy," since I'd like to know that. I read the article, and the lead sentence simply said, "Do what she likes and you get points. Do what she doesn't like and you get deducts." That's the way it is. For example, let's say you go to a party with her and you stand by her side all night. You don't leave her alone. You get one point. But let's say you leave her to talk to a high school friend. That's a deduct of two points. Your high school friend's name is Judy. That's a deduct of 10 points. Let's just say Judy is gorgeous. That's a minus 30 points in your love tank. Everything you do is a deduct or a deposit. Or it's her birthday. You take her to dinner. You take her to a sports bar for dinner. Well, you would have gotten a point for taking her to dinner, but since it's a sports bar, it's a minus-two-point deduct. And let's just say you have one eye on the screen and one eye on her as she's talking to you. That's a minus five points. Let's say you paint your face the color of your favorite team. That's a minus 20 points, because you're embarrassing her. Let's say she's all dressed up to go out, and she looks at you and asks you that tricky question: "Do I look fat in this dress?" You instantly say, "No, you look great." That's one point for you. Let's say you hesitate just a second or two. That's a minus five points. Let's say you're really clueless as a man, and you say, "Where?" That's a minus-20-point deduct. Everything you do is a deposit or a deduct. And you just monitor yourself around other people. You don't go "deduct," although maybe some of you are learning to do that. But the fact is, if you follow your self-talk, that's what you're doing. Deduct or deposit. Notice that women keep score differently from men. This gets us into big trouble, guys, because most of us are clueless about the difference between a man and a woman, how they keep score. Most of us think that you get big points for doing big things. Wrong. You get one point no matter what it is. And that's how you get in the hole so easily. So you take her on a cruise to Alaska. It's expensive. It's romantic. You have a great time. You think you got 500 points for that. So when you get home, you start slacking. You don't help around the house. You don't compliment her. You play golf on Saturday, sit in front of the TV watching the game all of Sunday. You don't affirm her. Deduct, deduct, deduct. It only takes a couple of weeks for you not only to wipe out the point that you got for the Alaska cruise, but to be 40 points in the hole in her love tank, because she doesn't keep score like you do. It's going to take 40 or 50 cruises to make up for the deducts you got. And then we wonder why she's grumpy. And at night she says, "Don't touch me." And the next morning on the sink, you see the love tank gauge. It's on a stickum. It's on your side of the sink, and it reads "empty." In fact, I've heard of people actually doing this with stickums, to alert each other where they are in their marriage. It's on empty. Now, if you were to put a stickum on your husband's or wife's side with a gauge on it, where would you put the needle? The big mistake people make is they think they can solve problems in a relationship by talking about it. It's mostly women who think that. It's hard to find a guy who thinks that. So a woman comes up to her husband and says, "We've got to talk about our marriage." He starts shaking. He doesn't say, "I'm glad you asked. I've been wanting to talk about our marriage." No. You know, in a sense, the guy's really right, because talking about marriage doesn't really solve problems. And so I want to make a radical statement right now. And I should do a little parenthesis right here and say that along the way, I'll probably make you mad. And the reason is I will talk about something that's factual from the Bible, but you don't want to hear it. You don't want to do it. You're not doing it. You don't want to change. You get mad at the messenger. But all I can say is this: if you don't hear anything new or challenging from the preacher, he's not doing his job. Because we are not perfect, and we have gaps, and we do need better ideas rather than doing the old things. So I hope you don't get mad, but you probably will. This is a radical statement: Better communication is never the solution to problems in a marriage. Never. Words are no substitute for behavior. The solution is always doing what makes the other feel loved. Doing. Because love is a verb, not a noun. It's a verb. It's what you do, not what you say. So that's a starting point here. And the other problem with talking about problems in a marriage, why it's not a solution, is that most of the time, not always, but most of the time, you end up blaming each other. One or both of you becomes defensive. You lapse into denial, and you end up arguing. That's true, isn't it? You've tried to talk through something, and you ended up mad and arguing. This is just human nature, that it's going to end up that way. That's why I should have called this series "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It," because that's really the truth. People want to substitute talking through something for doing something that's different, because it's easier to talk than to do. It's not the solution. Often, when we're talking with a person we're having trouble with, one of you plays the dump truck game. Do you know the dump truck game? That's a person who backs up the truck and dumps the history of all the things you've ever done wrong and offended them. They dump it all on you. They really change the subject, from the issue at hand to a whole litany of things that they dump on the conversation. They become historical about your faults and mistakes. Hysterical, too, probably, but historical for sure. It's the dump truck game. And I just wondered, have any of you played the dump truck game lately? That might be your style. Or maybe you're with somebody where that's their style, and they often do it. What we've done is prove over and over that talking things through doesn't solve problems in a relationship. You've tried it, and it hasn't worked. But we keep trying to make it work, even though it doesn't work. And all it does is refresh our memory of all the things we're mad about. It just refreshes your memory as you're rehearsing the past. Not a good thing. You don't want to refresh your memory of the bad things. But that's what happens when you start talking through a problem. If we try to talk through our problems in a relationship, whether it's with parents or with a child or with someone at work, my prediction is you will fail 95% of the time. Not succeed. You will fail, because of what I'm talking about here. But we try it because it's just easier to talk, and it turns into accusing the other person. It does not work. It doesn't work because admitting and taking responsibility is rare. Far more common is blaming. And when you read sociologists or look at our country, we're being taught to blame. Politicians blame parties, blame countries. Everybody's blaming everybody. Blamers never fix anything, especially relationships. A lot of us, our style is blaming. And what it does is worsen a situation. It doesn't help. Blaming is a favorite tactic, a strategy. It's a strategy used to avoid the truth about themselves. Think about it. If I can get in a conversation with a person and begin to blame, I have changed the subject from me to you. It's avoidance. And it's a strategy that blamers use. And maybe that's your strategy. There is a better way that has a 95% success rate. Why don't I say a 100% success rate? Well, there are several reasons. It's not 100% sure. First, for starters, people resist changing and growing because it's just too much work. They are spiritually and emotionally lazy. But if we won't change, the relationship's not going to change. We stay stuck in negative cycles. Most everybody you know who's been in a relationship for five or more years has plateaued. Yes. Whether they're living together or they're married, it's plateaued. The same problems keep coming up. Same problems. When I was head of the men's and singles ministry for the country in Bible Study Fellowship, we would have retreats, and we would have different people give their testimony. And one of the rules Miss Johnson had was that if you're giving your testimony of what Christ has done in your life, you could not reference anything that was more than one year old. Nothing. "Don't tell me what He did 10 years ago. Don't tell me what He did 20 years ago. I want to know what He did this year in your life." Because that's the Christian life. It's continually being transformed. And it's the same way if I were to ask us, "What has Christ improved in you in the last year?" Could you answer that you've changed for the better? Because if you want a great relationship with whomever, you've got to be the person changing. Usually we go and say, "You need to change." And that's what happens. Over the years, people have wanted marriage counseling. They walk in, and one or the other says, "I want you to change him. He's the problem." Or, "She's the problem." Never. It's never 100% the other side. There's always at least a 10% factor on the other. Even how you react to a toxic person contributes to the toxic cycle. So we have to draw a circle around ourselves and say, "I'm the one who has to change, and if I change, everything changes." So I want to ask you: How have you changed as a believer this last year, in just any little way at all? So a lot of relationships deteriorate slowly and end poorly, because one or the other gets tired of just the same old thing, living in circles. Paul Tournier, a great Christian psychiatrist, said something that I think shatters the American mentality, and I quote him: "There is no such thing as incompatibility between two people." We hear that all the time: "We're divorcing because we're incompatible." No, you aren't. It's simply two people refusing to behave in a compatible way. And I believe, to the very bottom of my experience and heart, that every relationship can be saved if we're willing to change and become compatible. Any relationship can get better, as long as we stop saying, "That person needs to change," and say, "I can change." It'll get better. And that's why there's not a 100% success rate: because people refuse to do the work. It's easier to accuse and to talk. Insanity, they say, is behaving the same way and expecting better results. By that definition, some of us are in an insane marriage, behaving the same way, expecting improvement. Jesus once asked a paralyzed man, "Do you want to be healed?" He's paralyzed. What? Of course. It's not a silly question. If you want a relationship, especially a marriage, to improve, you've got to want it badly enough for you to change. If you don't want it badly enough to change, then you really don't want the relationship to get better. So the real question today, for any marriage that isn't where you want it to be, is: How badly do you want it to get better? Really, it's you who needs to change, and how you're behaving. A relationship does not improve if we are unwilling to improve. That's just logic. There's another reason that there is not always a 100% success rate. It's because either the husband or the wife is unwilling to do what the Bible says to do in Genesis 2:24: "A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, so the two become one." If that doesn't happen, if there isn't leaving the parents on both sides, then there's a problem. Leaving means that now your devotion is to this person, and you work on your future and all the rest without interference. No longer do the parents parent you. No longer do they control you or insert themselves into your life, because you're married. Now, if you allow a parent to inject their opinions or to control your choices, then your marriage is no longer a twosome. It's a threesome. And that's a problem. It's going to alienate and infuriate the person you're married to. They didn't marry your mother. At least they didn't think they were. It's a threesome. Now, often a parent will justify their interference by saying they only want the best for their child. That's not true. The truth is the parent has always been controlling, always interfered, always known what's best for their child as they kept growing up. And now they're 35 or whatever, and still that parent is controlling. The parent is just living out their history and justifying it by the virtue of wanting the best for you. And undoubtedly there are relationships here today where it's a threesome rather than a twosome. And the only thing I can say to you, when you have a dominating, interfering parent like that, is you've got to be brave. You've got to be brave, and start saying no. No. You have to stop it. Some husbands and wives don't have the courage to do this. And there are all kinds of reasons, but I don't care what the reason is that we give. You've got a threesome, and that's going to be a problem. Another reason there's not a 100% success rate is that one of you expects the other to be like your mama or daddy. Maybe your mama cleaned the house so it was spick-and-span, and she made gourmet meals that would put Martha Stewart to shame. But you married a messy person, and she doesn't like to cook. She gives you TV dinners and thinks that's just great. You'd better not tell her, "My mama…," because she rightfully should say to you, "I'm not your mama." We never compare. Same with a father who was all handy around the house and fixed everything. And you married a klutz who doesn't know a Phillips screwdriver and doesn't even have a nail gun, like any self-respecting man would. You don't go up to him and say, "My daddy always…" He should say, "You didn't marry your daddy. I have other assets rather than that." So when we hold on to these expectations, our marriage isn't going to get better. So what has a 95% success rate? Live by Jesus's Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And that really is a good question. If my mate or partner treated me the way I behave with them, how would I feel? Just all the things you do: how would you feel? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I read a great book by Joyce Meyer, Help Me, I'm Married! This is really a funny book, but full of wisdom. And one section really grabbed me. I want to read it to you and see if it'll impact you. She said: "I had a list of things that would be better if Dave would do this and our kids would do that. I was unhappy and hard to get along with because they weren't treating me right." Isn't that the way most people think? Almost everyone blames their behavior on the other person. "But God said, 'Dave is not the problem.' I couldn't believe it. I had a list, a long list, of things that Dave needed to improve upon. But God showed me what it was like to live with me." That's a killer sentence. "God showed me what it was like to live with me." "I saw that I was a nag, critical, manipulating, and hard to get along with. I cried for three days." That's when you start to have 100% success: when you answer the question, "What's it like to live with me?" It's the same with a supervisor or with your parents. What's it like to have me as a child? What's it like to work with me? What's it like to be my supervisor? A couple of years ago, a woman from our TV audience called and asked if I would counsel their marriage. And I agreed. And when they came in, I asked her to step out into the waiting room so I could just talk to him alone. And I asked him, "If you were to rate your marriage from zero to 10, what score would you give it?" And he said, "A 10. I could not be happier. We live in a great house. I have a great job. We have two great kids. She's a great wife. I could not be happier." We talked a little bit more, and I asked him to step outside and brought her in. I asked her the same question. She said, "Zero. And I'd have to exaggerate to get to zero." True story. I brought him back in, and I said to him, "You told me that you'd rate your marriage as a 10. She just rated it as a zero." Why? He says, "I have no idea." And suddenly she blurted out into our conversation, "I've been in an affair for two years, and this last week I've slept with him three times. He loves me, and you don't." This guy was a big guy. He burst into tears. He fell on his knees in front of her and wanted to know what it was about him that had pushed her away. She said, "Well, you're dominating, self-centered. You never see things my way. We always do what you want to do. You spend a lot of time with your friends and not a lot of time with me." He didn't realize any of that. I asked him, "What if she treated you the way you treat her?" That's always the question. I'm glad to say that marriage was healed, because he started doing what made her feel loved, and he stopped this other behavior. It was really a miracle recovery in their marriage. That's the Golden Rule. Do what makes the other feel loved and treasured. That's how you fill up anyone's love tank. And that's why I say any relationship can get better. Make deposits. Now, you know, this assumes you know what makes the other feel loved, doesn't it? Have you thought about that with your parents, or your supervisor, what makes them feel affirmed, or whoever? But especially in marriage. If I were to ask most people what makes the other feel loved, they might mention one or two things, or maybe nothing at all, but they wouldn't come up with five or six things. We have to think about that. What makes the other give me a deposit in their love bank? And do those things, because love is a verb, not a noun. It's what we do that draws us closer together. And it's the quickest way to become irresistible. Do what makes the other feel treasured and loved, and stop the deducts. That's how you protect your marriage from an affair. You become irresistible because of all the deposits you're making, really. A few years ago, Susie and I were on a plane returning from vacation, and a stewardess walked up and handed her a glass of champagne. I said, "What about me?" She said, "Well, the gentleman in the back didn't send you any champagne." She turned to Susie and said, "The gentleman said to give you this message: 'You're a beautiful woman, and you deserve champagne. This is with my compliments.'" I said, "He did? Well, would you point out that gentleman in the back? Because I want to go back and thank him." She said, "He prefers to be anonymous." I said, "I bet he does. I'm sitting next to my wife, and he's hitting on her." I spent the rest of the flight looking back for a guilty face. I'm not making this up. This is a true story. But afterwards, I got to thinking about it. You know, I should be the one giving her champagne, not some guy in the back. And I should be the one telling her she's beautiful, and affirming her, and all that. Well, I upped my game after that. It's just so incredible. It's so incredible how we start to take things for granted, and the affirmation level falls down. It takes 10 compliments to erase one criticism. Some of you are a little behind. Up your game, and that'll draw you closer together. Silence is always interpreted negatively. Silence doesn't bring two people together. Silence about all these good things does not bring you together. I promise you, silence is always interpreted negatively. Well, I hope this helped you. I'm going to take an offering. Let me pray for us. Lord, I pray for us, that we'd be doers, not just talkers. Doers. And do and learn new things, and get better. I pray everyone here takes away something about themselves that they can do. And I pray now, as we give our offering, that You'll be pleased with our giving back to You, Lord, because You've blessed us. We pray it in Your name, Jesus. Amen.